”Why Am I Single?” Unveiling the Common Causes and Mindset Shifts for a Happier Love Life

Is single life wearing you down? It’s not a unique frustration. In most western countries, roughly a third of adults are single, with only about half that amount actually looking for a partner. If you’re one of them, you may wonder if you’re doing something wrong. There are several things you can do to have a more active dating life – which we’ll explore later – but being single is often for everyday reasons, like your last relationship not working out or not meeting the right people. For some, “why am I single” is not a question often asked as many are content with their lives. Love doesn’t always equal happiness. While companionship fulfills certain social needs, it’s not a solution to all our problems.  

Why am I still single?

‘Why am I single?’ can be a dangerous and even psychologically harmful question to ask yourself if you’re coming at it from the wrong direction. To quote TV’s Ted Lasso, “Be curious, not judgmental.” While this is good life advice in general, it’s also quite apt when asking the question, “why are you still single?”. Negativity and phrases like I will stay single forever can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and spiral into self-loathing. Self-esteem and confidence are vital in finding someone. Judging yourself harshly can get in the way of believing you deserve someone. And it’s also unattractive. On the flip side, people can be overly judgmental of those they date or the society they live in, blaming anyone but themselves for always being single. This kind of bleak outlook just pits you against the very people you’re trying to connect with. But, if you ask ‘why am I single’ from a perspective of curiosity, without tying in your biases and insecurities, you can unpack your situation more clearly. Then you can find things to work on that will communicate your value to other singles.       

There are so many reasons to be single. Possibly just as many as there are for having a partner. Many of these are within your control whereas just as many are circumstantial or unchangeable.

Even if you’re asking yourself, “why am I single at 50?” there’s no single reason why you haven’t found someone. But let’s look at some common reasons people struggle to find love and how to address them.

Chance

Luck can have a role in why you’re still single. Dating life in general can often feel a question of being at the right time, in the right place.

What to do: Stay in the game. The more you put yourself out there and the more avenues you explore – nightlife, online dating, singles events and group activities – the more dating opportunities you’ll be exposed to.

Unrealistic expectations

Many who ask, “why am I single?” have active dating lives but are unrealistic about what they want in a partner. Pursuing perfection is mostly pointless. You may also be looking for a partner who doesn’t suit you or isn’t the type who would see you as a romantic prospect.

What to do: Think realistically about what you bring to the table in a relationship and compare it to what you expect from a partner. Are these ideals mismatched? Are you holding them to a higher standard than you do yourself?    

Not investing in the dating process

Be careful not to signal disinterest or a non-committal attitude to dates. Are you keeping the lines of communication open? Are they always the ones to initiate contact? Are you being proactive about organizing follow-up dates?

How you act on dates – arriving late, not seeming present or focusing too much on yourself – can be a key factor.

What to do: Treat every date like meeting up with a friend who’s important to you. Be professional, as it were. Be consistently conscious of their level of enjoyment and engagement in the date. 

Getting ahead of yourself

When a date goes well, it can be easy to imagine a deeper connection than the reality. It’s almost impossible to tell if someone is ‘the one’ after just a few dates.

Many people hold relationships as totems – they like the idea of being with someone and can sabotage the relationship early on by not considering the other person’s emotions and boundaries.

What to do: Dating is part of the process and a step you should always enjoy. Try to be mindful on dates, so you can be in the moment instead of obsessing about the future.

Not being ready for a relationship

Many people wonder “why am I always single?” but may not be ready for a long-term relationship. Some are dealing with the fallout of their previous relationship or aren’t emotionally available enough for a new romance. Even worse, many use relationships to distract themselves from working on their own problems. 

What to do: There is no quick solution, you simply aren’t ready to date yet. Try exploring the issue with a therapist, seek advice from a mentor or just take some more time to work on yourself. 

Not prioritizing dating

This is often overlooked when asking, “why am I single?” You won’t magically find someone if giving it your best shot is not a priority.

What to do: Professional and personal demands can put a strain on dating life. However, you need to find time to meet people even if that means making sacrifices elsewhere.

You also need to commit financially. An updated wardrobe, paying for premium versions of dating apps and planning more upmarket dates can all help your efforts.   

Not taking care of yourself

Not everyone is looking for an athletic or slim body type and standards are endlessly diverse. What puts people off is a lack of effort into making the best of your appearance.

What to do: This doesn’t require a gym membership or a drastic lifestyle change. Simply paying more attention to things like hygiene, skincare, basic fashion, dental health, eating habits and even sleeping patterns can drastically improve the impression you make.

Small dating pools

The answer to, “why am I still single,” with 30-year-olds and over particularly, can be as simple as where you live. Smaller towns and cities may just not have a large enough dating pool to have a variety of local dating opportunities to explore.

What to do: Cast your net a little wider and be willing to travel for dates. Discovering places beyond the familiar can be an exciting part of any relationship. 

Having a “why am I so single” all the time’ attitude can be self-sabotage, because you have the wrong mindset when it comes to finding relationships. 

Most of building a good mindset is about self-analysis and introspection. Give form to your desires and expectations. Ask yourself these questions:

• Why am I looking for a relationship?
• Are these reasons healthy and constructive?
• What kind of people do I want to attract?
• How do I want to be perceived by others?
• Are all my answers realistic?

By answering you can not only arrive at the answer to ‘why am I single?’ but also solve whether being single is the source of your frustrations or just a part of them. It also gives you a better idea of the things you can change to bolster your efforts, and what you can’t and shouldn’t waste time worrying over.  

The most important aspect of a good mindset is to make your life better and more enjoyable, not simply just finding someone.

Stop asking “why am I single” and start connecting

At eharmony, we focus on connecting authentic singles looking for genuine, happy relationships. We’re perfect for “why-am-I-single” people because we connect people on a deeper level based on the science of compatibility rather than swiping.

And instead of just letting you sign up then leaving you to find your own way, our platform features and additional services are designed to guide and support you through your dating journey, from the day you join us to when you no longer need us. So join today and start your journey on the right foot.