Older woman, younger man: Moving beyond the jokes

Did you know that less than 2% of American marriages are between a man and a woman more than ten years his senior¹? Although older woman-younger man relationships have slowly become more accepted, eyebrows were definitely raised when Priyanka Chopra married Nick Jonas, who is ten years younger than her. Why do we look so askance at actor Tilda Swinton and her long-term partner Sandro Kopp (18 years between them), the Prophet Muhammad and his wife Khadijah (15 years between them), model Heidi Klum and musician Tom Kaulitz (16 years between them) or singer Cher and A.E. Edwards (40 (!) years between them) than we do couples where it’s the man who’s much older?

In this article, we’ll look at why older women choose younger men, and vice versa. We’ll also look at some of the challenges age gap relationships can have, and how to keep this kind of relationship healthy.

Why are more older women dating younger men?

We’ve all heard the terms used for an older woman dating a younger man – cougar, MILF, and some that are worse – but the cold hard truth is that these women have some very good reasons for not sticking to their own age group.

Younger men often have more progressive values

While it’s not fair to generalize, studies show that as a general rule, younger generations have more enlightened views on a variety of subjects than their older counterparts². Given that studies have shown that women are generally more progressive than men of the same age, it’s no surprise that older women find that younger men are more in line with their way of thinking. Younger generations tend to be more open-minded and socially aware about things like feminism, body positivity, or mental health, which can make them thoughtful and supportive partners for like-minded older women.

Younger men are more capable of keeping up in bed

It’s a fact that’s sad but true, for most men, sexual performance declines as they age³. Many women, on the other hand, report feeling a sort of sexual renaissance, between their kids not needing as much care and feeling more comfortable in their own bodies and sexualities⁴. It’s no wonder that many women choose a partner whose age allows them to better match their sexual energy.

Younger men come with less baggage

The older you get, the more life you’ve lived… along with all that comes with it, from exes to kids to mortgages to aging parents. Only having to deal with one set of adult responsibilities can be very attractive to older women, especially since women are often expected to take on the bulk of emotional labor even when it’s not their blood kin.

Why younger men seek older women

So now you know why she’s in it… but why are young men so interested in dating a mature woman? Stereotypes of older women dating a younger man aside, many young men have their own reasons for seeking out someone older:

It doesn’t come with the same expectations

Older women are often done with raising children, so a younger man dating an older woman doesn’t feel the same pressure to marry and/or have kids as he might with someone his own age. Especially for men who aren’t keen on children of their own, dating an older woman can make a lot of sense.

The sex is better… or at least less fraught

Many young men find it easier and more fun to be with a partner who knows what she likes in bed and can give them guidance on how to please her, rather than fumbling his way into competence or being expected to take the lead sexually. Additionally, many young men are attracted to how much more secure in themselves and their bodies older women are.

It’s a boost to their egos

Let’s face it, we’re all a little vain. Many men love the knowledge that they’ve managed to get a hot older woman to be interested in them. Someone with much more life experience thinking you’re on her level can be incredibly flattering, especially to a young man.

Still on the fence about older woman-younger man relationships? You should know that young men in relationships with older women are in good company – so estimable a person as Benjamin Franklin, in his 1975 letter “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress”, provided several reasons why, if marriage was not currently a viable option, taking an older mistress was the best course of action for a young man.

An age gap relationship is just what it sounds like – a relationship where one partner is significantly older than the other. While it’s traditionally men who have been the older ones in a relationship – it took a while for a man to get established enough to afford a wife, and women were encouraged to marry young – more and more, people are finding that age gaps work just as well the other way around, too. A recent survey by AARP found that 34 percent of women over 40 were dating younger men⁵, a figure that seems poised to keep growing as society gets less judgmental.

A big reason why older women are increasingly dating younger men? Financial security that translates to the freedom to make more daring relationship choices. Older women who are well-off financially face less pressure to choose a partner based on wealth or security, meaning that an attractive younger man is a more tempting prospect. Additionally, the age difference mitigates some of the advantages men get because of their gender, owing to a more balanced relationship overall.

That said, age gap relationships can be beneficial to both partners – being at different life stages offers both members a perspective they might not have considered before. Additionally, dating a younger man can help his older female partner discover her adventurous side, while a younger man might enjoy not being expected to be the leader or caretaker in the relationship. Additionally, studies show that older women-younger man relationships have the most sexual satisfaction⁶.

Challenges for older women dating younger men

For all the benefits of older woman-younger man relationships, they do come with a few challenges.

Societal judgment

Sure, society has gotten better about older women dating younger men, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still plenty of judgment. Older women are derided as ‘cougars’, the men they date as ‘toyboys’, and there’s plenty of pushback, both overt and covert, of couples who upend traditional gender dynamics.

A lack of shared experiences

Differences in socialization between girls and boys aside, growing up in the 80s or 90s is a completely different experience than growing up in the 2000s. While these differences can offer new perspective, it can also be really frustrating to deal with a partner who is just too young, or old, to understand where you’re coming from.

Physical issues

While one of the reasons older women go for younger men is that they’re a better match sexually, the hard truth is that we all face physical, mental, and emotional challenges as we age. A younger partner may not have the life experience or capacity to be as supportive as their older partner would like. Additionally, older women who want biological children can face obstacles that their younger counterparts do not.

While having to face judgment can strengthen your relationship, there’s no denying that it can be hard to deal with, too. Some tips for dealing:

• Be open and honest with each other. Communication is one of the cornerstones of any relationship and this is especially true when it comes to age gap relationships. You will find criticism and judgment much easier to deal with if you’re both on the same page.
• Treat each other with respect. Even when you’re arguing, remember that you’re both on the same team, and you both want each other happy.

Tips for making your age gap relationship work

Just like any other relationship, a younger male-older female relationship requires effort to maintain and grow. They thrive on mutual respect, communication, and emotional connection. While differences in age can sometimes highlight distinct life stages or perspectives, these relationships succeed when both partners focus on shared values, support each other, and embrace their individual needs.  Some tips for helping your relationship flourish:

• Respect each other’s individual needs: Sometimes, you’re going to think your partner is ridiculous. Work on accepting and loving the differences anyway.
• Provide each other with emotional support: You’re going to have hard times, individually and as a couple. Work on supporting each other emotionally as well as physically.
• Learn how to fight: Conflicts are an inevitable part of a relationship, but in a healthy relationship, fights come with ground rules and an understanding that at the end of the day, you’re still partners.
• Develop rituals with each other: It can be as simple as sharing a cup of coffee every morning, or as elaborate as surprising each other with a fully-planned date every so often. Rituals help deepen your connection and affirm your place in your partner’s life.
• Be realistic: Neither of you are perfect and that’s part of the fun. Don’t set yourselves or the relationship up for failure by having unreasonable expectations.
• Work on your insecurities: Especially in an age gap relationship, it’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on all the ways you aren’t good enough. It’s important to do the work of dealing with said insecurities yourself, rather than lashing out at your partner.

Don’t let old stereotypes limit your love

Cliched as it might sound, at the end of the day, age is just a number. While older woman younger man relationships definitely have their unique challenges, you shouldn’t let the fear of society’s disapproval – or your own worries about age – stop you from finding a connection with someone unexpected. Navigating an age gap relationship may take more effort and vulnerability than the traditional kind, but as several studies have shown, the results can be worth it, too.

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