Is Dating a Man with Kids for You?

Dating someone who has children may not be everyone’s notion of a storybook romance. However, nobody comes into a relationship completely weightless and neutral. Dating a guy with kids is just a more obvious manifestation of the complex relationship factors that must be dealt with on the path to intimacy.   

There’s no denying that children can require special consideration and can add stresses to a relationship. However, despite posing  unique challenges, dating someone with children can  be a rewarding and life-enriching experience for those willing to put in the work.

If you are open to dating a man with kids, you should know when it’s a healthy situation for you to become involved with, or whether there are red flags that you’re ignoring in order to be extra considerate of the situation. Let’s take an objective look at these relationships.   

Challenges when dating a man with kids

Before you even consider this kind of relationship, you should know if you’re ready to do so. It isn’t fair to go in with unrealistic expectations, or a half-formed notion of what dating as a parent entails.

Know that they’ll always need to prioritize the children

It should go without saying, but dating a man with kids means he’ll always put the needs of his children first. This doesn’t mean you’re forever second-place in his heart, but more so that children logically need more immediate, hands-on nurturing.  

This, however, is a positive character trait, and signals the level of commitment and care you can expect him to bring to all of his relationships.

A United Nations study found that men with good, present fathers report fewer mental and physical health problems, higher productivity and a higher general happiness and satisfaction with life¹.

Finding free time

A recent survey of eharmony members found that the two main benefits of dating as a single parent were being able to cut out time-wasters, and date more purposefully². If you’re interested in dating a man with kids, you’ll often find that between various drop-offs and pick-ups, and finding quality time with their children, the concept of time is at the center of their universe.

Once again, for a healthy relationship, this shouldn’t mean squeezing you in where possible for a quick coffee date – but rather making the most of your interactions when your schedules match. This could actually lead to fewer boring and unsatisfying dates, and a greater emphasis on creating meaningful and exciting bonding experiences. 

Your interactions with the other parent

There’s no real way to prepare for the dynamic that exists between two parents. They could be harmoniously co-parenting, they may no longer be in the picture – or if you’re dating a divorced man with kids, they may be sharing custody with a certain contemptuous dynamic.

Try not to be judgmental. There are a million reasons why relationships may not work. Also,  having to interact and compromise regularly for the children is already a difficult situation.

The best you can do is to avoid overstepping boundaries when it comes to parental matters. Also, strive to be as open and patient as possible, so they’re comfortable with your presence in their child’s life.

Dating a man with kids can often be about emotional support

While a good single father is independent and versatile, as John Donne once noted, no man is an island. This is why our same survey of eharmony members found that over a quarter of fathers have stopped dating since separating from their partner³.

They’re less worried that they won’t find someone new and are more concerned about being ill-equipped to date, and whether it may negatively impact their kids. Dating people with children is not just about finding free time, it’s also about the willingness to be there for them emotionally, being supportive on the bad days, and a source of joy when you do go on dates. That’s real intimacy, after all. 

Meeting the kids

Getting to meet and know their children is often something men won’t bring up until later in the relationship. Most parents want to establish that you’ll be a lasting and consistent presence in their kids’ lives first. 

While a relationship with someone’s children may not have been your top dating priority, when dating a man with kids, it’s easy to see why it’s vital that you create some kind of bond. But when are you ever really dating a person as an individual? Family, close friends and exes are always part and parcel of the relationship experience.  

Why children can sometimes resist meeting new partners

It can obviously feel frustrating if you find that your partner’s children either refuse to meet or acknowledge you. Children aren’t always emotionally mature – or expected to be – so they can express their feelings in strange, indirect ways. They’re also only just learning to confront their inner selves in a healthy, productive manner.

Their reluctance towards you could be down to:

• An unrealistic notion of their birth parents getting back together
• Single parents have hectic lives as they try to juggle things. Children may see a new partner as a new competitor for dad’s time and attention
• They may have a very real fear of abandonment. Due to the trauma of their parents’ breakup, kids may resist getting close to someone who they fear might not be around tomorrow

With that being said, when dating a man with kids, try to exercise patience and kindness with the situation.

Dating a man with kids and feeling left out

Unfortunately, children who experienced their parents’ separation can inherit trauma from the event – and it’s understandable, given the emotional struggles they’ve had to confront at a young age.

As the father defaults his attention to caregiving and the children contend with how to relate to you properly, you may feel ignored or left out during some interactions. While there may be a definite spark when it’s just the two of you, you’ll have to adapt to finding your place in their particular group dynamic when dating a man with kids.

It takes time and patience as you also develop a separate bond with their children, leading to eventual acceptance and even sincere paternal love. 

Taking the bad with the good

All in all, it generally comes down to accepting that there will be days where you feel like one big, happy unconventional family – and others where handling all these separate relationships feels overwhelming, or even impossible.

Understand that while dating a man with a child can be challenging, it can also be rewarding and fulfilling. That reward may not simply be love and intimacy with one individual, but something much richer: family. It’s okay to feel emotionally unprepared for that, but you should try not to let perfectly surmountable relationship challenges get in the way of possibly life-changing connections.

Red flags when dating a man with a child

While it’s good to be patient and accepting when dating a man with kids, don’t let these unique considerations blind you to genuinely unhealthy dating behaviors that some fathers can often be guilty of. This can include the following:

Using their children as an excuse

If they keep using their kids as the reason to break plans or not allowing the relationship to develop, the truth may be that they’re not emotionally – or practically – ready to fit a new relationship into their life.

They may not be doing this intentionally or maliciously, but it still means they need more time to grow and heal.

Dating a man with kids who puts himself first

In contrast to our earlier point of fathers prioritizing their children, think of how strange it would be if they didn’t. What does it say about their approach to lasting love and intimacy if they can easily put aside the supposedly most important relationships in their life for a new and exciting romantic opportunity? A fair rule of thumb is that absent parents tend to make for absent partners.

They’re overly toxic about their relationship with the other parent

When dating a guy with kids who’s separated from his partner, it’s natural for him to carry some baggage and a degree of enmity for them, particularly in difficult co-parenting situations.

However, if they’re constantly bad-mouthing the other parent or having regular heated confrontations, it may be a sign they haven’t gotten over the family separation. Or it could mean that their relationship style, in general, revolves around hostility and tension, indicating a lack of maturity.    

An unwillingness to introduce you to their kids

This is a serious red flag when dating a man with kids. With parents, meeting the kids is essentially the next step in the relationship. When they’re incredibly reluctant to take that step, it’s rarely a judgment of you or your suitability in their children’s lives, but rather a strong indicator that they’re not ready or equipped to take the relationship forward and are wasting your time.  

Liking their kids more than them

This is a bias we bring into the relationship. You may try so hard to form a bond with their kids and they may, in turn, be so open to it that you end up becoming quite attached to the children of your partner. This attachment can distract you from realizing when the relationship itself isn’t working. 

This is why pacing and patience are so important when dating a guy with kids. For the sake of the child, your emotional investment in their lives should always align with your growing affection for the father.

Bad parenting

Absent or outright poor parenting should be a red flag for people in all your interactions, not just when dating. It should be the most important relationship in their life. One that will intractably impact their children’s emotional well-being and attachment style into adulthood.

Someone who doesn’t respect or bother to put the effort into such a responsibility isn’t currently ready – or never will be – to put in the effort to build a truly healthy and lasting relationship with a partner.    

Dating a man with kids isn’t that different

While we hope this article has given you more realistic expectations of these relationships, we also hope we’ve shaken any false preconceptions of them and given you a window into how dating a man with kids can also be a rich, multifaceted experience for singles mature enough to draw emotional value from any complexities.

Try eharmony, where we host all kinds of relationship-seeking singles. As we match people using deep compatibility, you may find new eligible single fathers and other interesting romantic opportunities pop up in your life. Where you take these opportunities is up to you.