Words of Affirmation: All You Need to Know to Sweet-Talk Your Partner

Words can absolutely hurt you. They can also, when used with care, strengthen bonds and increase your odds of a successful relationship. It’s no surprise that words of affirmation is one of the most popular love languages for both men and women.¹ In this article, we’ll talk about the meaning of words of affirmation and how to use words of affirmation in a relationship.

What are words of affirmation?

According to Dr Gary Chapman, a pioneering expert on romantic relationships, there are five main love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gift-giving and acts of service. As a rule,  we all have  specific ways we prefer to show, or receive, affection.

What does it mean when we say words of affirmation? They are words to express love and can be anything from declarations of affection to compliments to messages and even comments on social media. Basically, people who resonate with this love language enjoy seeing, or hearing, that you love them or think well of them. While everyone loves a compliment, someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs frequent verbal endorsement of their importance to you to feel loved and cared for. How do you know you or your partner may have this love language? Here are five indications:

• Do compliments make your day?
• Is hearing how your partner feels (e.g. “I love you”) or receiving compliments (like, “sweetheart” or “darling”) important to you?
• Is it important that your partner offers you encouragement?
• Do you feel ignored when your partner doesn’t comment on your posts?
• Do you appreciate it when they leave you notes or messages?

Examples of words of affirmation

If words of affirmation isn’t your love language but it is your partner’s, it can be helpful to see what it looks like in real life. Here’s some examples of words of affirmation:

Simple declarations of affection

• I love you
• I’m so glad to have you in my life
• I’m still as crazy about you as when we met
• A snippet of a song that’s special to both of you
• I love our life together
• I don’t know what I’d do without you

Gratitude

• Thank you for doing [x]
• Thank you for making me safe and loved
• Thank you for noticing [behavior] bothered me and taking steps to correct it
• Thank you for listening to me
• It meant so much to me the way you [x]
• Thank you for taking the time to do [x]
• It was very kind of you to [x]

Encouragement

• You’re doing a great job with [x]
• You’re doing a great job with [x]
• I see how hard you’re working with [x] and that’s really cool
• I have complete faith and confidence in you
• You got this!

Compliments

• You look/smell/sound amazing
• You’re a really good friend and partner
• I was really impressed when you [x]
• I really enjoy spending time with you
• I love how considerate you are

Other suggestions for compliments include things that are specific to your partner, or about things they might be insecure about.

How to use words of affirmation

Actions speak louder than words… unless your love language is words of affirmation. When you use words of affirmation, you’re strengthening your relationship with your partner as well as reminding yourself why you love them. Offering words of affirmation can help build emotional intimacy, which is great for building trust and deepening connections.

Some tips for the best way to incorporate words of affirmation into your relationship:

Be genuine

Honest communication is key and more so for someone whose love language is words of affirmation. They’ll be able to sense empty words or OTT platitudes quicker than people who have different love languages. Even if you’re worried about coming across as awkward and inelegant, try to speak from the heart. It may not be Shakespeare, but your sincerity will elevate it in your partner’s eyes. Plus, being genuine should be easy – you’re obviously with your partner because there are things you love about them.

Be appreciative

Compliments are all well and good, but honest gratitude can go even further. Studies show that expressing gratitude helps strengthen relationships and even more so for someone whose love language is words of affirmation. Expressing gratitude shows your partner you’ve noticed what they’re doing and appreciate it, so make it a habit.

Notice small things as well as big ones

Most relationships are made up of thousands of small moments around a handful of big ones. Which is why it’s important to pay attention to things that are seemingly unimportant, whether it’s the way she snort-laughs when you tell her a bad joke, or the way he always saves the blue M&Ms for you because they’re your favorite. Making it a point to tell your partner how much you appreciate the small things as well as the big, more obviously romantic ones is key to a successful relationship.

Be empathetic

When they’re going through a tough time, make the effort to understand what they’re going through. Put yourself in their shoes and try to validate their emotions even if the problem they’re facing feels small or superficial. Also, choose your words wisely – you don’t want to come across as condescending when you meant to be helpful, or for your partner to think you’re criticizing them when your intent was to offer useful feedback.

Make it personal

Everyone is different, and that means words of affirmation that work for one person may not for another. Check in with your partner about what kind of affirmations they would like – some might feel sad if they’re not complimented frequently, for instance, while others don’t care about compliments but would hate not having their hard work acknowledged. Also, remember that your partner’s gender matters – the perfect words of affirmation for men might not work on a girlfriend, and vice versa.

Mix it up

While just hearing (or seeing) the words is great, have some fun. Sneak a note into your partner’s lunchbox, leave a message in the shower steam in the bathroom mirror, send them random song lyrics that express your feelings. If you normally write them notes, text them, and vice versa.

Given how important words are to people with this love language, watch how you express yourself to them. Even with the best intentions, a poorly phrased sentence could do more harm than good in your relationship.

1. Don’t give fake affirmations

It might be tempting to give compliments you don’t believe but unless you’re a very good liar, the truth will out. Lying is never a good habit in a romantic relationship, no matter your intentions, so just look for something nice but honest to say to your partner instead.

2. Don’t just copy-paste

Pride and Prejudice’s Mr Collins may have made a habit of noting down compliments he could then repeat to other people but thankfully you’re not Mr Collins. Something simple that shows you’ve put some thought into it is always going to work better than some generic quote or pretty saying you found on the internet. Work to match your words of affirmation to your partner’s personality and interests.

3. Watch your tone

One of the reasons talking to people online can be so fraught? Tone is very hard to read over text. For some, in the same is true for face-to-face interactions. If you’re the type who loves teasing and banter, double-check with your partner that it’s okay with them first – what you think of as a teasing compliment might be the opposite of words of affirmation for her. Additionally, if you’re the sarcastic kind, be aware that there’s a time and place for it; sometimes, what your partner needs from you is sincere support.

4. Be careful when you criticize

You might think you only criticize with good intentions, but it’s important to be careful how you do it, especially when it comes to people whose love language is words of affirmation. Being gentle in your criticisms, even when they’re warranted, and using the sandwich method of feedback – a positive, then your criticism, followed by another positive– is a great way to let your partner know there was something you didn’t like without hurting their feelings.

5. Don’t take it for granted they know

If your language is, say, quality time or acts of service, you might not realize just how important hearing, or seeing, words of affirmation might be for your partner. Additionally, the stresses of daily life can make us forget how lucky we are to have the people we love in our lives. Make it a regular habit to say something nice to your partner and keep lists of things you like about them or even reminders to compliment or encourage them.

How to ask for more words of affirmation

So your love language is words of affirmation… but that’s not how your partner likes to show their feelings. Rather than expect them to magically change and being disappointed when they don’t, have a conversation and explain what you need from them. We’ve been conditioned by pop culture to believe that the right partner will magically intuit our every desire but in reality it takes some good old-fashioned communication.

When you speak with your partner, remember that they’re not being obtuse or unloving on purpose – it’s simply not as obvious to them as it is to you. Rather than casting blame, use “I” statements to lay out what you need from them – for instance, “I really like it when you tell me when I’m doing a good job,” or, “When I hear encouragement from you, it helps motivate me, especially on bad days,” or “When I don’t hear that you love me, I find it harder to believe that you do, even if your actions say otherwise.”

Bring a positive energy to your relationships

When it comes to building a healthy relationship, communication is key. Even if words of affirmation isn’t your love language, it’s worth understanding how to incorporate them into your relationship. After all, it never hurts to let people know you appreciate them.