Quality Time as a Love Language: Creating Meaningful Moments Together

The best part of dating? Spending time together. A recent survey showed quality time is the most popular of the five love languages.¹ Love languages are ways of showing affection  and there are four other major ones: words of affection, physical touch, gift-giving and acts of service. Let’s look at the meaning of quality time, how to create more of it in your relationship, and suggest some ideas for quality time that you may not have considered.

What is quality time?

What does quality time mean as a love language? The concept of love languages in general was first laid out by Dr Gary Chapman, a pioneering relationship specialist, in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. According to Dr Chapman, people give and receive love in different ways, one of which is spending quality time with each other.

However, there’s a difference between spending time with each other and spending quality time. Rather than just existing in the same space, quality time means giving each other your undivided attention. So, how do you know if your love language is quality time? If you answer yes to the following questions, it probably is:

• Is spending time with your partner a priority?
• Do you mind rearranging your schedule so you have time together?
• Does it bother you if your partner is distant or on their phone when you are together?
• Do you miss your partner when they’re not there?
• Is doing day-to-day activities with your partner a priority for you?

How to use quality time in your relationship?

Quality time is the most popular love language for a reason – spending time with your partner where you are focused on each other is a great way to strengthen your relationship, no matter what stage of dating you’re at. Regular quality time in a relationship can help you build trust and increase intimacy.

While we all know quality time is important, it’s easy to let slip in our busy lives. Here are some strategies for making quality time happen.

1. Make a plan

When you fail to plan, you plan to fail, as the saying goes. Intentionally scheduling time with each other is essential to actually getting it. This is especially true as you get more serious – it’s entirely possible to have a situation where you’re living together but not spending time together. So make it a habit to sit down every so often with your diaries and make sure quality time is on the agenda.

2. Focus on quality not quantity

The sad reality is that you’re not always going to get hours and hours together, especially if children enter the picture. So, making the time you do spend together count is keyto loving someone whose love language is quality time. Think about how you can maximize the free time you do get together – share a cup of coffee, put your phones away and just talk to each other, or – if you have the privacy – spend the time just making out.

3. Put that phone away

Nothing ruins quality time faster than paying more attention to your phone than your partner. Commit to going phone-free for at least some of your time together so you can be more present in the moment. You could even make a game of it – the first person to reach for their phone at dinner pays a forfeit to the other.

4. Use your active listening skills

Active listening is one of the most important skills of communication. With active listening, no matter the topic, you make the other person feel heard and cared for. Active listening includes:

• Focusing on what your partner is saying
• Leaning in slightly as they talk
• Affirming what they are saying
• Asking thoughtful questions
• Not offering advice or solutions, unless they ask for it
• Trying to put yourself in their place or thinking about how you might feel in the same situation, and reacting accordingly

5. Pick activities that work for both of you

It’s not quality time if only one of you enjoys it. Try to choose ideas for quality time that don’t test your limits of taste or tolerance. At the very least, figure out a list of activities that both of you don’t hate. You could also take turns picking activities, with the caveat that the person who doesn’t pick gets to occasionally veto the suggestion.

6. Get creative

Quality time doesn’t have to mean specifically romantic activity. Finding non-traditional ideas is key to making it work. Remember what’s important is not the activity itself, but the person you’re doing it with.

Quality time ideas

Here are a few ideas to make the most of your quality time:

1. Head to a museum: It’s a screen-free way to get some culture in and as bonus, you’ll have plenty to talk about as you wander the exhibits, especially at off-beat museums.
2. Go on a hike: Pack a picnic and head to the nearest trail or park for some outdoor fun. Plus, being in nature has been shown to be good for health.
3. Spa date night: This is one of the best quality time ideas for couples at home, or you could splurge and outsource the pampering to someone else.
4. A cup of coffee or a snack: If you only have a few spare minutes, spending them breaking bread and talking with each other is a great way to strengthen your connection.
5. Plan a trip: You may not have the time or budget for actual travel right now, but planning a trip is free – and can be a great bonding activity. Plus, now you have a shared goal!
6. Cook together: Even if neither of you are Gordon Ramsey, cooking together can still be a fun way to spend an evening together. If it goes wrong, there’s always takeout.
7. Watch a movie: Fire up the popcorn machine, pick something fun on Netflix, and cuddle on the couch. (If you want to indulge in the time-honored tradition of making out, we won’t tell.)
8. Play a game together: There are plenty of great two-player games, both cooperative and competitive, for couples to enjoy. It’s a great, screen-free way to connect with each other.
9. Be a tourist in your own town: Many of us haven’t explored the places we live in nearly as much as we could, so grab your partner and a travel guide and get started!
10. Learn a new skill: It could be coding, woodworking, basket weaving… the important thing is spending time with your partner while you do.
11. Host a two-person book club: Take turns picking a book, reading it, and then discussing it with each other. You might find a new favorite read!

Quality time in long-distance relationships

Maintaining a strong connection in a long-distance relationship means spending quality time together, even when physical proximity is not possible. With a little modification, many of the quality time love language ideas above will work for long-distance relationships, too.

Planning a future trip together can be a bonding experience and even more exciting in an LDR because it provides a shared goal. Cooking or watching a movie together is not a problem in times of video calls and streaming services. Online multiplayer games or digital board games can offer a fun way to connect. And reading the same book and discussing it over a video call can be as funny and enjoyable as in any close-distance relationship.

What not to do when it comes to quality time

When your love language isn’t quality time, it can be a struggle, especially if you’re also new to the whole concept of love languages. A few things to avoid when dealing with a partner who enjoys spending time together as a love language:

• Don’t make a fuss or complain about the time you spend together. If you don’t like spending time with your partner, it’s time to reevaluate whether you should be in this relationship at all
• Don’t do something else that needs attention while your partner is talking. Give them the gift of your full presence
• Don’t think of your partner as needy or demanding. Different people need different things when it comes to feeling loved and cared for.
• Don’t put the responsibility of finding and managing quality time completely on your partner. There are two of you in the relationship; do your share.
• Unless you need your phone or tablet for the activity, put it away and focus on the moment.
• Don’t mistake quality time for something that doesn’t need to be frequent and even routine. It’s a bit like watering a plant; do it often enough and it will thrive
• Don’t assume that just because you love a particular activity, your partner will too. Check in with them and make sure that there’s a good balance of your likes and theirs when it comes to quality time.

Strengthen your relationship by spending quality time together

Although love languages aren’t the only key to a great relationship, as a framework they can help you figure out the best way to love and support each other. Of all the love languages, quality time is crucial as it not only shows you’re invested in the relationship, it incorporates aspects of the other languages – especially words of affirmation and physical touch. Even if it’s not your primary love language, it’s worth incorporating quality time into your relationship just for the benefits it can bring.