Giving Gifts as Love Language: It’s the Thought That Counts

Receiving presents from your partner is a well-worn romantic cliché, but did you know that giving gifts is also a love language? Relationship expert Dr Gary Chapman identified five major ways people like to give and receive love, calling them ‘love languages’. The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, giving gifts and acts of service. In this article we’ll talk about giving and receiving gifts as a love language, and how important understanding you and your partner’s love language is when it comes to strengthening your relationship. We’ll also offer a few tips for giving gifts.

What does giving gifts as a love language mean?

Some people think that people who love receiving gifts as a love language are greedy or materialistic, but that’s not true at all. People whose language of love is gifts simply want a tangible reminder they are loved. To them, a gift is symbolic of many things – the time and attention their partner put into choosing it, the memory attached to the occasion they got it, the appreciation their partner feels for them that led to them being given a gift in the first place. None of these have anything to do with the monetary value of the gift – in fact, for many people whose love language is giving gifts, small, thoughtful gifts are much more precious than something that costs a lot of money without any thought behind it.

While it’s obvious that receiving gifts can make you happy (at least, if that’s your love language) did you know that giving gifts makes the giver happy, too? Several studies show that spending money on other people, even people you don’t know, can make you happier than spending money on yourself. One particularly interesting study required participants to donate either to UNICEF (explained simply as a large charitable foundation) or to Spread the Net (an UNICEF-affiliated organization that works to help prevent the spread of malaria by distributing cheap mosquito nets). Interestingly, the participants who donated to Spread the Net were happier, because they had a clearer idea of who and how their money was helping.¹ Similarly, seeing the joy our loved ones get from a carefully chosen gift is a powerful motivator for people whose love language is giving gifts.

Wondering if gifts are your love language? Here are a few questions to find out:

• Do you think that gift cards are the perfect solution for birthdays and holidays?
• Do you enjoy spending time picking out just the right gift?
• Are birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions a big deal to you?
• Do you feel cared for when someone gives you a gift, regardless of value?
• Is it important to you to find occasions to surprise your partner with a little something?

Gift giving tips

If your partner’s love language is giving gifts and you’re more used to expressing your affection with words of affirmation or quality time, learning how to show them you love them in a way that works for them can feel a little intimidating. Here are a few tips to get the hang of giving gifts as a love language:

1. Don’t restrict yourself to special occasions; instead, think about how to incorporate gift-giving into your daily life. These don’t have to be expensive or time-consuming; it could be as simple as getting them their favorite candy when they’re out shopping, or a dollar store trinket snuck into their purse or lunch.
2. Speaking of special occasions, don’t forget to make a big deal of birthdays and anniversaries! Set a reminder on your phone – several, if necessary – so you’re not caught unaware on the big day.
3. Make sure your partner is okay with how much you’re spending on them. Even if their love language is gifts, some people are uncomfortable with what they think of as too much money being spent on them.
4. If your partner likes surprises, take advantage! Pick a random day to give them a gift. Even better if the gift is something they have no idea you knew they wanted.
5. Remember that the point isn’t the price tag. A keychain picked up on a business trip doesn’t cost much at all – its value comes from the fact that you were thinking of your partner even when they weren’t right next to you.
6. Keep a running list on your phone or in a notebook of gift ideas – that way you can take advantage of sales on things you know your partner will like.

If you’re the one whose love language is receiving gifts:

1. Have a talk with your partner about how the point of gifts isn’t about how much they cost, but more about them being a tangible reminder of their affection for you. You can also explain why receiving gifts means so much to you.
2. If money is an issue, work out a dollar limit that works for both of you. You don’t want your partner to feel like they have to overspend to make you happy.
3. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so make it easy for them to give you gifts you like – keep a wishlist, or bring things up in conversation, whether subtly or not.

Some gift ideas:

1. Handwritten notes or letters
2. A handmade craft, especially if you’re skilled at DIY
3. An experience you can do together, like a class or a play
4. A framed photo of the two of you
5. Lunch from their favorite restaurant delivered to their job
6. A piece of jewelry or an accessory, if they’re the fashionable kind
7. A gift card… and a promise to be with them while they choose
8. A book in their favorite genre
9. A Spotify playlist of songs they’ll like
10. Something off their wishlist!

FAQ

Why do I love giving gifts?

Studies have shown that giving gifts activates the portions of the brain associated with pleasure-related chemicals like dopamine.² In addition, human beings in general are generous, and derive pleasure from making other people happy – which is why it’s no surprise that giving gifts to someone you love makes you happy, too.

Am I materialistic if my love language is gifts?

If all you care about is how much the gift costs… there’s a chance you might be. If, however, what’s important to you is the amount of thought put into the gift, or simply being given a gift at all, then no. After all, some of the best gifts don’t cost very much at all.

What would hurt someone whose love language is giving gifts?

Failing to acknowledge their gift is a good way to hurt someone whose love language is gift-giving. You could also hurt them by commenting negatively on how much the gift cost, or showing your disdain for something they clearly put a lot of thought into. If someone’s love language is not just giving, but also receiving gifts, you should avoid forgetting about their birthday or other special occasions.

Giving gifts is simply showing love in physical form

Giving gifts is probably the most misunderstood of the five love languages. However, tangible proof of affection can be a great reminder to your partner you love them, and vice versa. Even if giving gifts isn’t your love language, the concept of love languages as a whole is a great one – it allows you and your partner to identify what’s missing in your relationship and hopefully figure out how to grow and nurture it. Regardless of what your love language is, however, it’s important to find ways to regularly show your partner you care – and a small, thoughtful gift is a great way to do so.