Does it only take 36 questions to fall in love?

Can you fall in love with someone by simply asking the right questions? Is there a series of utterances and lines of personal inquiry that could actually simulate the feeling of closeness, intimacy and even true love? This was a notion Dr. Arthur Aron once wrestled with.

The result of his work was released in a study called 36 Questions to Fall in Love. While the power and potency of these questions are somewhat overstated and won’t cause love hypnosis, they can, when effectively used, help deepen the intimacy, closeness and trust in a growing relationship. In this article we shed light on what the 36 Questions to Fall in Love are all about.

Background of the 36 questions that lead to love

The questions themselves were a product of a 1997 study performed at Stony Brook University that later became a celebrated article in the New York Times. The head of the study, psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron, was less concerned with the question of how to make someone fall in love with you, and more concerned about if there was some kind of social way to speed up the development of closeness between two people who’d never met.

The scientific nature of romantic relationships was a lifelong pursuit for Dr. Aron, who after developing the 36 questions to fall in love, tested it with pairs of heterosexual subjects, a man and a woman. The results were almost universally positive¹, with almost all pairs reporting at least a temporary feeling of real intimacy with the other person, regardless of personality contrasts. One test pair even ended up getting married.

The science behind the questions to fall in love

As hard to believe as these results are, they’re built on a fundamental concept that exists in all human relationships: emotional vulnerability.  A recent study found that the biggest fear regarding vulnerability was vulnerability toward criticism or denial², which makes sense. Being vulnerable is seen as a social risk and it’s why it scares some people who often avoid the notion, particularly around strangers, who we tend not to trust as much with our emotional wellbeing.

However, trust is at the very heart of this concept. And we often struggle to give it when the transaction isn’t reciprocal, but trust is a leap of faith. A study of vulnerability in leaders found that ones with higher vulnerability values were rated by respondents as being more trustworthy.³

This is why the 36 questions to fall in love work on a scientific level. They essentially manufacture a situation where vulnerability – and by extension, trust – is part and parcel of the exercise. It lowers the boundaries of the inherently reciprocal nature of trust.

Interestingly, the study was also carried out on heterosexual same-sex pairings, and even in platonic instances, it was shown to have a profound effect on their feelings of closeness afterward.⁴

How to use the 36 questions to fall in love

Now let’s take you through a practical guide for how you can use these questions to ask to fall in love, or grow closer to somebody already in your life, and also when meeting new people. 

Who to ask the 36 questions to fall in love

Essentially, you could ask them to anyone you want to grow closer to. Practically, however, it may only seem appropriate with certain people and in particular contexts. You could try introducing the topics on first dates – if the other person is up for an emotional deep dive.

The 36 questions to fall in love can also be useful in existing relationships as a way of strengthening them, to speed up the building of intimacy and trust between the two of you, which can ultimately help real love flourish more quickly. It can also be useful as a way of rekindling a floundering long-term relationship by helping you open up vulnerable communication lines again.

Contexts where it may come across as inappropriate would include when the other person doesn’t seem that into the exercise, if they shown any particular interest in having a closer relationship with you, or if you’re in an environment that isn’t particularly conducive to an extended and deep emotional exchange.

Setting the right scene

So, making sure you pick the right setting, mood and environment to ask the 36 questions to fall in love is very important. Timing is key. You want to pick a time when you both have at least an hour available to properly go through the questions and discuss them afterward.

Also, try to pick a comfortable and private environment that’s free of distractions. These factors can detract from the feelings of growing intimacy during the questions. 

Approach the process openly

As said earlier, this is essentially an exercise in vulnerability so you both have to approach the process with an open mind for it to work. Be receptive to each other’s answers and try to practice active listening so you can fully appreciate their answers.

Don’t overthink the process. Try to think of it less as questions to fall in love and more as an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level. While you can be casual and even lighthearted at times, it’s important to take the process seriously and ensure you don’t come across as judgmental of each other’s answers.

Don’t deviate from the order of the 36 questions to fall in love

The questions are set out in a very deliberate manner to create an organic feeling of growing intimacy. There are three sets of questions, with every set slowly and subtly probing deeper into each other’s inner thoughts, views and aspirations.

Even if some of them feel silly or uncomfortable, try not to skip any questions. These kinds of vulnerability exercises can be frightening and disconcerting at times, but try to trust the process – as the results since 1997 have spoken for themselves.   

The questions take about 45 minutes to complete, depending on your answers. After completing them, you also should set aside 4 minutes for uninterrupted and silent eye contact, which helps solidify the feelings of intimacy created during the question phase.

The 36 questions

Pedantic readers may notice that some of these aren’t phrased as questions, but the notion of interpersonal inquiry still stands in all of the 36 questions to fall in love. 

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What could constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common?
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

1. Make 3 true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you love about them already?
8. What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Real love is more complex than the 36 questions to fall in love

So, as you can tell by the nature and context of these questions, they certainly aren’t designed to force love, merely encourage it through trust building. Consent and mutual willingness are the most important concepts in any interaction, not just romantic ones.

The 36 questions to fall in love are more an expert guideline to get a better understanding of your partner’s desires, reservations and inner selves. It’s a tool to get over the communication barriers we erect in relationships and get to the true heart of the other person. Love is just the happy byproduct of this important relationship exercise.